The Good Book Tells Me All I Need to Know

Given that I'm the sole person lucky enough to be blessed with answers to life's mysteries, it's natural that others frequently turn to me for advice. If you haven't noticed, Matthew 7:15 is only talking about the other guys, not me. I'm proud to proclaim there has never been a single complaint lodged against my ministry at the Better Business Bureau, and the RICO act has so far kept its distance.

I'm here to help, brethren! In this entry, I'll be dipping into the mailbag to consider some recent queries, and offer sound remedies based upon my years of worldly experience.

I've been filing these solutions away, just knowing they would come in handy one day. The time is right to share them with all. There's no doubt about it, the Bible anticipates every single problem you will ever encounter in life, and provides well-worked out strategies for coping, freeing you up from the drudgery of wading through the abstract and thorny thickets of ethics, metaphysics, ontology, epistemology and more. So if you, like the supplicants quoted below, ever find yourself in an awkward social situation, need advice to the lovelorn or simply aren't sure how to think for yourself, I urge you to turn to the Good Book and avoid further embarrassment. 

Exceptions: Not a proven remedy for pimples, male pattern baldness or enuresis. Consult your physician.

Contraindications: May cause drowsiness, verbosity or fixity of opinion. 

Our Guarantee: At the end of your life, if not 100% satisfied with the results, simply return your Bible (to P. O. Box Pascal, New York, New York) for a full money-back refund, less shipping and handling and all retroactive tithes.

With that out of the way, let's see what's on the first reader's mind.
(Note: most of the quotations below come from the New International Version, with a few from the King James Bible which occasionally is far more lubricious.)


Problem: Dear Studs, I just woke up to find I've been achieving sexual congress with an unknown person. Should I be concerned?

Solution: This nearly happened on a mattress in the living room of 249 Norton Street some forty years ago, so don't take the issue lightly. It's such a common problem, that the Bible treats it very early on:
When Judah saw her, he thought she was a prostitute, for she had covered her face.

Not realizing that she was his daughter-in-law, he went over to her by the roadside and said, "Come now, let me sleep with you."

"And what will you give me to sleep with you?" she asked.

"I’ll send you a young goat from my flock," he said.

"Will you give me something as a pledge until you send it?" she asked.

He said, "What pledge should I give you?"

"Your seal and its cord, and the staff in your hand," she answered. So he gave them to her and slept with her, and she became pregnant by him.
--Genesis 38:15-19
Mercy! Some very deep ideas here!

I'm sure you've all heard of a two-bag job. Now you see why it's to be avoided at all costs. This is almost a case of unintentional incest, a problem arising constantly, which is why the passage merited inclusion in the Bible.

There are several lessons here. Ladies, please, keep your faces in plain view at all times and never expect a seal and cord to be an efficacious substitute for a properly fitted diaphragm. And, whoa, gentlemen! No matter how eager you are to begin, remember, taking your staff in hand is hardly the way to inaugurate a night of wine, roses and cherry blossoms!

But how 'bout that great teaser line: "Come now, let me sleep with you." Now that's the way to win a woman's heart. They don't want to parse some abstruse proposition, they just want to have fun!

By the way, Aleister Crowley tried the old goat ploy with Leah, and all it did was give her a cold sore on the lip.

In any event, take a tip from Judah: don't pick up escorts from the roadside, veiled or unveiled.

Lots to learn there!


Problem: I need help. How do I get to second base?

Solution: This is pretty obvious. Continually compliment her tits; women love it! Solomon was the master of this well-known gambit:
Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.
--Song of Solomon 4:5
If an animal allusion doesn't make her moist, then ramp up the voltage a bit with:
How beautiful and how delightful you are, My love, with all your charms!

Your stature is like a palm tree, And your breasts are like its clusters.

I said, 'I will climb the palm tree, I will take hold of its fruit stalks. Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, And the fragrance of your breath like apples...'
--Song of Solomon 7:8
Doubtful? Hey, it worked for Solomon, for apparently his babe went in for some serious silicone treatments:
I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers. Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment.
--Song of Solomon 8:10
Hubba-hubba! Contentment? You betcha! But what results can you really expect? The King James rendition expresses it best in the voice of his inamorata:
A bundle of myrrh is my wellbeloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts.
--Song of Solomon 1:13 
In other words, move over kid; those are mine (as Robin Williams once said). And always be thankful for that nice rack:
A loving doe, a graceful deer--may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
--Proverbs 5:19
To really show your gratitude, don't forget to "do the other thing," as Mrs. Friedman moaned to Nevans in The Hollywood Knights. Or in the words of Solomon's gal:
Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere. Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.
--Song of Solomon 4:16
'Nuff said. 

Problem: My girlfriend seems unsatisfied and keeps yakking on about copralagnia, a word I don't know. Should I get a dictionary?

Solution: No, get plastic bed sheets. The Bible has already addressed this question. The King James version makes abundantly clear in which direction the difficulty lies:
My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.
--Solomon 5:4
A word to the wise, apparently goats suffer from the same debility, as Leah found out. Before commencing, I would confirm there is a working bath at the Abbey of Thelema. As for the door, rubber gloves are regulation issue.

Problem: My cufflinks are missing. And my girlfriend no longer wants to have sex with me. Are these incidents connected?

Solution: Indeed they are, as Ezekiel made plain:
You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.
--Ezekiel 16:17
You may want to follow up and see if the batteries are missing from your flashlight. In any event, and in the interest of hygiene, you may wish to gently suggest to your girlfriend that latex is far more sensation-enhancing than precious metals. And cheaper.

Problem: Dear Studs, is amputation one of the marital arts?

Solution: You wouldn't believe how commonly this question arises, which is why the Bible felt it necessary to address with finality:
If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.
--Deuteronomy 25:11
My recommendation is that, should you be thinking of engaging in a ménage à trois, to always keep a complete set of surgeon's implements, sutures and hemostats handy in the boudoir nightstand (right next to the K-Y jelly). It might also help to maintain civil behavior among the threesome in bed; Jack the Ripper is not remembered as a Casanova, you know. A bit problematic, in that the Old Testament didn't delineate it more clearly, is exactly whose private parts are the troublemakers. I suppose you could always cut first and investigate later, which the Catholic Church found useful during the Inquisition. Caveat emptor, Mrs. Bobbitt!

Problem: I think my girlfriend is unfaithful. Also she makes fun of my physical endowment. Should I take it personally? (P.S.: I had the same problem with her sister previously.)

Solution: Your situation is virtually identical to one from some 2600 years ago:
When she carried on her whoring so openly and flaunted her nakedness, I turned in disgust from her, as I had turned in disgust from her sister.
Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt
and lusted after her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses.
Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts.
--Ezekiel 23:18-21
Keep this in mind: nymphomania is a crippling disease and requires patience and understanding. But, as you know, the Bible is 100% literally true, otherwise it never would have covered this common yet grievous ailment in such fine detail.

Perhaps your girlfriend is more accustomed to well-hung men; have you contemplated a prosthetic? And if your "issue" isn't up to scratch, consider getting a prostate examination. 

Try the romantic approach, too. I'm told that the business of handling and pressing breasts is the way to a woman's heart. Hey, it worked for the Egyptians...and tons of junior high boys since then. A vigorous chest massage might be just the ticket.

If all else fails, see if there's a third sister.


Problem: I'm really attracted to leather-craft, but too poor to afford materials to practice on. Any suggestions?

Solution: You bet! The answer to your problem was licked by Saul over three millennia ago.
Saul replied, "Say to David, 'The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies."
--1 Samuel 18:25
Once again, the Bible provides an insightful key: waste not, want not. Old Testament recycling, as it were. Best of all, a hundred discards is a hell of a lot cheaper than visiting the slaughterhouse (or the old man forking over a dowry in cash). So, visit your local synagogue and start stitching today...

Can't afford even that? Then consider the DIY approach, should you happen to have a mother, son and sharp rock lying about:

But Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son's foreskin and touched Moses' feet with it. "Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me," she said.
--Exodus 4:25
Ouch! Do they even make obstetric implements out of igneous rock nowadays? In any event, it's not clear who's going to need the healthy swig of aqua vitae more before the laceration commences, the mother or the son.

However it's accomplished, before presenting your handiwork, be sure to double-check that the recipient of your largesse is wearing a new set of Doctor Scholl's odor-eater pads in his sandals.  No sense befouling your handicraft with someone's stinky feet. Or vice-versa.

Problem: I'm a widow, but have become friendly with my brother-in-law, who visits on the weekend. It's a nice arrangement, in general. However, when the lights are out at night and I need to visit the lavatory, I frequently slip and tumble to the floor. Any suggestions?

Solution: You're putting me on, right? Even King James knew the answer to this one: 
And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
--Genesis 38:9
So much for fraternity! And I've heard some pretty coarse slang for making whoopee, but ganging two prepositions together is the absolute limit! Suppose it had caught on; can you imagine someone cursing you out with: "go in unto yourself."

In other words, juxtaposition is far more appealing in bed, not speech. 

But back to your question. Consider giving your brother-in-law a Mason jar to keep under the bed. It worked quite well for a kid I knew in junior high. Saving it for marriage, I guess.

Problem: I suspect my girlfriend dabbles in Wicca. What should I do?

Solution:  Yes, this is a vexing problem, but you'll be glad to know that, as usual, the Bible is the vade mecum you should reach for. And the same cure is applicable to a vast range of other problems, with several millennia of clinical trials to back it up.

Simply murder any person who engages in beliefs contrary to yours. A safe, effective, and proven over-the-counter remedy, available to all!

Naturally, King James puts it succinctly:

Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.
--Exodus 22:18
But wait! There's more! Reach for this powerful nostrum whenever you have to deal with troublesome symptoms, such as others who believe in nonsense as:
  • science,
  • logic,
  • other deities, and
  • women's health care
It's even been proven effective against heretics espousing the Qabalah, evolution and climate change! With the miracle ingredient NonSequitur®!

So, don't just sit back putting up with what others think; do something about it, knowing you've got the full force of the Bible to back you up to prove them wrong!


Problem: My fiancé and I are planning a wedding dinner. Can you make some suggestions for an appropriate menu? And what about kitchen clean-up; any handy tips?

Solution: I'd be glad to help. Simply refer to Leviticus which provides a wonderfully complete table d'hote suitable for the most discriminating of tastes. Here goes, straight from the horse's mouth (or something or other):
The Lord said to Moses and Aaron,

"Say to the Israelites: ‘Of all the animals that live on land, these are the ones you may eat:

You may eat any animal that has a divided hoof and that chews the cud.

"‘There are some that only chew the cud or only have a divided hoof, but you must not eat them. The camel, though it chews the cud, does not have a divided hoof; it is ceremonially unclean for you.

The hyrax, though it chews the cud, does not have a divided hoof; it is unclean for you.

The rabbit, though it chews the cud, does not have a divided hoof; it is unclean for you.

And the pig, though it has a divided hoof, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you.

You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.

"‘Of all the creatures living in the water of the seas and the streams you may eat any that have fins and scales.

But all creatures in the seas or streams that do not have fins and scales "whether among all the swarming things or among all the other living creatures in the water" you are to regard as unclean.

And since you are to regard them as unclean, you must not eat their meat; you must regard their carcasses as unclean.

Anything living in the water that does not have fins and scales is to be regarded as unclean by you.

"‘These are the birds you are to regard as unclean and not eat because they are unclean: the eagle, the vulture, the black vulture,

the red kite, any kind of black kite,

any kind of raven,

the horned owl, the screech owl, the gull, any kind of hawk,

the little owl, the cormorant, the great owl,

the white owl, the desert owl, the osprey,

the stork, any kind of heron, the hoopoe and the bat.

"‘All flying insects that walk on all fours are to be regarded as unclean by you.

There are, however, some flying insects that walk on all fours that you may eat: those that have jointed legs for hopping on the ground.

Of these you may eat any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper.

But all other flying insects that have four legs you are to regard as unclean.

"‘You will make yourselves unclean by these; whoever touches their carcasses will be unclean till evening.

Whoever picks up one of their carcasses must wash their clothes, and they will be unclean till evening.

"‘Every animal that does not have a divided hoof or that does not chew the cud is unclean for you; whoever touches the carcass of any of them will be unclean.

Of all the animals that walk on all fours, those that walk on their paws are unclean for you; whoever touches their carcasses will be unclean till evening.

Anyone who picks up their carcasses must wash their clothes, and they will be unclean till evening. These animals are unclean for you.

"‘Of the animals that move along the ground, these are unclean for you: the weasel, the rat, any kind of great lizard,

the gecko, the monitor lizard, the wall lizard, the skink and the chameleon.

Of all those that move along the ground, these are unclean for you. Whoever touches them when they are dead will be unclean till evening.

When one of them dies and falls on something, that article, whatever its use, will be unclean, whether it is made of wood, cloth, hide or sackcloth. Put it in water; it will be unclean till evening, and then it will be clean.

If one of them falls into a clay pot, everything in it will be unclean, and you must break the pot.

Any food you are allowed to eat that has come into contact with water from any such pot is unclean, and any liquid that is drunk from such a pot is unclean.

Anything that one of their carcasses falls on becomes unclean; an oven or cooking pot must be broken up. They are unclean, and you are to regard them as unclean.

A spring, however, or a cistern for collecting water remains clean, but anyone who touches one of these carcasses is unclean.

If a carcass falls on any seeds that are to be planted, they remain clean.

But if water has been put on the seed and a carcass falls on it, it is unclean for you.

"‘If an animal that you are allowed to eat dies, anyone who touches its carcass will be unclean till evening.

Anyone who eats some of its carcass must wash their clothes, and they will be unclean till evening. Anyone who picks up the carcass must wash their clothes, and they will be unclean till evening.

"‘Every creature that moves along the ground is to be regarded as unclean; it is not to be eaten.

You are not to eat any creature that moves along the ground, whether it moves on its belly or walks on all fours or on many feet; it is unclean.

Do not defile yourselves by any of these creatures. Do not make yourselves unclean by means of them or be made unclean by them.

I am the Lord your God; consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am holy. Do not make yourselves unclean by any creature that moves along the ground.

I am the Lord, who brought you up out of Egypt to be your God; therefore be holy, because I am holy.

"‘These are the regulations concerning animals, birds, every living thing that moves about in the water and every creature that moves along the ground.

You must distinguish between the unclean and the clean, between living creatures that may be eaten and those that may not be eaten.’”
--Leviticus 11:1-47
Whew! If you can't find your answer in that catalog, then you're not trying! You'll be glad to know that most endangered species have been eliminated from this list. Best of all, the menu is completely gluten free!

Moreover, you'll find complete kitchen and laundry clean-up instructions here to make your special day memorable. You'll note once again how comprehensive the Good Book is, in focusing only on those things which really matter in life.

Finally, from a purely didactic point of view, I think it's particularly helpful that Yahweh takes great pains to introduce the notion of a conjunction in the third verse, above, but then follows up with some useful repetition to cement the idea in place in the following five verses. Likewise with fins and scales, later. Sound pedagogy!

Continuing this excellent lesson in logic, we then learn that the universal positive "all" isn't quite what we supposed. Turns out that Yahweh is somewhat indecisive about four-legged insects that walk on all fours. Oh well, it's a deity's prerogative to change his mind midstream, I guess. I wouldn't want the job.

Problem: Dear Studs, A December 23, 2011 Associated Press-GfK poll indicated that 8 in 10 Americans believe in angels. Are there any downsides to this I should be aware of?

Solution: Yes, indeed! It's a well-known fact that your friends will constantly hit you up for blind-dates with any angels you may be hosting. Poor old Lot learned this the hard way about double-dating with supernatural beings:
They called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them."
--Genesis 19:5
One way to deal with this is to stall for time with some good old-fashioned bartering:
Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof.
--Genesis 19:8
Sage advice there, wouldn't you say! It always pays for a father to get his priorities right.

Problem: My sister and I are feeling quite amorous but haven't had any luck getting guys to put out for us. Any suggestions?

Solution: Sure, that's easy! Don't bother looking far afield for romance; you can find it without ever leaving home! Lot's daughters discovered the secret:
Let's get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father."

That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and slept with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

The next day the older daughter said to the younger, "Last night I slept with my father. Let's get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and sleep with him so we can preserve our family line through our father."

So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went in and slept with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

So both of Lot's daughters became pregnant by their father.
--Genesis 19:32-36
Apparently Lot's daughters didn't a bear a grudge for his earlier social faux pas with the angels. And it was sweet of them to share.

Don't let any spoil-sport, namby-pamby liberal try to dissuade you with idle chatter concerning date-rape or incest. After all, a little romp with dad, conscious or not, might just be the start of a couple new nations. Where do you think the Moabites and the Ammonites came from?

You do have to hand it to Lot; he must have been one hell of a stud. Either that or his two girls must have known some wild techniques straight out of the Kama Sutra to get the old fellow drunk, yet still make him perform. Don't know what I think of him not remembering a climax, though...seems like a bit of a waste.

Problem: Dear Studs, I've been having an issue in the metalworking shop. I'm trying to make a circular flower pot with a diameter of 10 inches, but have been unable to cut the length of the sheet metal properly (which will be curved to become the circumference). According to my calculations, it should be about 31.41593 inches and yet it never works out. What am I doing wrong?

Solution: Shame on you! You're clearly putting more stock in Archimedes than the Bible (which is unfailingly true in all regards). Any fool knows that the natural constant π (pi) is exactly equal to 3, not the crazy value you're using. Let the godless preach their "irrational number" claptrap. Instead, I refer you to:
He made the Sea of cast metal, circular in shape, measuring ten cubits from rim to rim and five cubits high. It took a line of thirty cubits to measure around it.
--1 Kings 7:23
As a reminder, when working in the shop, be sure you employ safe practices:
  1. Always wear protective goggles.
  2. Take care around power tools.
  3. Avoid heresy.

Problem: I'm thinking of taking up homosexualism as a hobby. Any hints?

Solution: This question pops up all the time, so let's clear up some common misconceptions. Turning to the Bible, we find:
Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.
--Leviticus 18:22
People frequently misread this. Note carefully the words "as one does with a woman." Clearly, as long as you're not achieving vaginal penetration or performing cunnilingus on the man, anything else is okay. The backdoor is safe, after all!

For emphasis, Moses, the author, returns to the theme in case there are any slow learners in the audience:
If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.
--Leviticus 20:13
Again, there's an admirable escape clause built in there.

"Give me some good old-fashioned gospel," I hear you implore! Okay, then, for you
New Testament snobs, how about this little gem from Paul:
For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural,

and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts...
--Romans 1:26-27
"Oh, oh," you might fret. "We're in trouble now!" Not so, if you consider the words carefully. From the first clause in the second verse, it's plain as a pikestaff that bisexuals are definitely exempt from punishment. Augmenting new avenues for a date this Saturday night is not addressed specifically, only abandonment of the old. And even then, it's only abandoning natural relations which is troublesome. (Hey! I gave up urolagnia for buggery; I'm home free!)

I know this doesn't apply to the reader who was simply interested in electing homosexualism as an avocation, but I would draw attention of others to the fact the sentence just mentioned is posed as a conjunction. This would imply, of course, that men simply being inflamed with lust for one another from the get-go is sanctioned by Paul.

Having long been a fan of professional wrestling (and gladiator movies), I tend to prefer the visceral elements provided by Moses. But for those of you with more refined sensibilities, allow me to stick with the New Testament a bit longer.
Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men, nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
--1 Corinthians 6:9-10
Well! That opens things up for discussion! Pretty clearly by this point Paul has decided to cover all bases. I can't presume to speak for others, but I make out nine items in that laundry list, of which I've only managed to avoid one. (Sorry guys!) For others in the same or similar boat, then, it hardly seems worth the bother to worry about a single demerit. Besides, according to the first sentence, this lottery ain't no Powerball.

It seems the ever-wordy Paul really had a one track mind, even in his correspondence:

We also know that the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers,
for the sexually immoral, for those practicing homosexuality, for slave traders and liars and perjurers...
--1 Timothy 1:9-10
Were I Timothy, I'd be pissed to receive a letter like this, instead of "Having a great time in Alexandria; wish you were here." Anyway, quite a bit of this gives me a real thrill, and reading whom the law is really for takes me right back to high school days with Herbie and Beetface, my esteemed principal and vice-principal. It does bother me to see sexual immorality lumped in the same category as patricide and matricide, though. Were he here today, I'd tell Paul that depravity is an acquired taste.

But back to the original question from the reader, it seems that only
practicing homosexuality is problematic. So my suggestion would be to dispense with the rehearsals, and head straight to the curtain on opening night. 

Break a leg!

Problem: Dear Studs, I attended a social function last night and got a bit tiddly on wine. Upon awakening this morning, to my surprise, I found I was completely naked. This created a bit of an awkward scene at my hostess' breakfast table. (For what it's worth, Led Zeppelin was on the phonograph when I blacked out.) Any suggestions on how to avoid this gaucherie in the future?

Solution: You too? This has happened to me many times (especially at 249 Norton Street). Whatever you do, don't jump to wild conclusions; only a hypochondriac would consider abstemiousness a suitable cure. Instead, your best bet is to employ a chaperon. I've always found that sons are particularly discreet about covering your bod without taking an indecent peep. I don't want to be accused of plagiarism, so let me hasten to add that this valuable approach to the social graces is due to Noah, who first navigated this sticky wicket:
Noah, a man of the soil, proceeded to plant a vineyard.

When he drank some of its wine, he became drunk and lay uncovered inside his tent.

Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father naked and told his two brothers outside.

But Shem and Japheth took a garment and laid it across their shoulders; then they walked in backward and covered their father's naked body. Their faces were turned the other way so that they would not see their father naked. 
--Genesis 9:20-23
Alternatively, you could just suggest to everyone else attending the house party that they remove their wraps as well.

Problem: I like to sleep-in late on Sundays, but my neighbor insists on mowing his lawn, which rouses me prematurely. What can I do?

Solution: This is rather neatly handled by a subtle ruse proven highly effective for over two millennia now. Just off the guy. Should anyone have the effrontery to question your actions, simply let them know you've got the full backing of the Good Book. Indeed, it is written,
For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a day of sabbath rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it is to be put to death.
 --Exodus 35:2
And as a bonus, since we all know that contraception is a sin, here's a sanctioned approach to population control available to all!


Problem: Dear Studs, My wife and I were recently married and have just set up house together. While she pretty much understands her position and duties (cooking, cleaning, procreating, rearing the children, walking two steps behind me, etc.), my wife has one quirk which really annoys me: she insists on wearing trousers, even in public. Should I be concerned at this intransigence?

Solution: I'll say! One quick look at the ever popular and lighthearted self-help guide, Deuteronomy, makes it plain: 

A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this.

--Deuteronomy 22:5 
She won’t want to get on the wrong side of this bloke! It's pretty well established that among Hell's inhabitants are Calamity Jane, J. Edgar Hoover, Ed Wood Jr., Divine, Rosie the Riveter, Queen Christina of Sweden, Milton Berle, Emperor Elagabus of Rome, and others. It goes without saying that Dame Edna Everage and all members of Monty Python will one day be inhaling brimstone fumes, too. 

This is nothing to take lightly! While namby-pamby liberals moan about fairness, equality, striving for peace, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, clean drinking water for all and who knows what other humanistic twaddle, it's very clear religion has the more serious agenda of making certain everyone obeys the dress code. There are no "casual Fridays" in Heaven! 

Anyway, this is obviously the thin of the wedge leading to lavatory invasion which threatens to destroy America, so set your wife straight at once. Perhaps an anniversary gift of a lacy hoop skirt, bustle, petite corset with whalebone stays, or silken camisole would put her on the path to rectitude.

And with that, I'll close up the mailbag until another time. But I hope this random sampling of concerns from readers has made it abundantly clear that not only does the Good Book focus on our most pressing concerns, but it's comprehensive in coverage. And by golly, it's got more kinky sex in it than anything Nabokov ever wrote of. Moreover, Moses, Solomon, Paul and the rest of the gang have left us with a valuable lesson; the most effective way to cajole someone not to think of an elephant is to command, "don't think of an elephant."

Next vignette: No Thanks, I'm Quite Happy with Finitude 

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